Sunday, 30 November 2014

Sort of like a journal (1) - 30/Nov/2014

I read this book called "If You Want to Write" and the author kept going on and on about the use of letting your creativity pour out whether on paper or canvas or keyboard. And one important piece of advice she kept repeating that would be a great outlet for this supposed out-pour of creativity is keeping a journal. So, I decided to do it and see what happens.

I quickly decided that I will keep this journal in the form of daily blog posts, and once I made that decision I started struggling with the idea that if I want it to be genuine then I should not bother if anyone will read it or not. This thought drove me to the next decision which is that I won't share these posts or actively try to propagate them; I'll just post them on the blog and let nature take its course.

But then came the next issue; if I want to be genuine and true to my decisions, shouldn't I make sure that the style of my writing isn't speaking to someone? Shouldn't be like myself talking to myself not to someone else? I thought of this for a few days and convinced myself that this is the way I speak to myself; as if I'm talking to someone else. But again, I think I'm just kidding myself, and the fact that I am typing in a keyboard and that I will press PUBLISH after I finish has its effect on the way I write and that it would differ greatly than if I was writing with a pen in an actual journal. But, wait a second, I know that the couple of entries I wrote in an old travel journal still sounded as if I am preparing my writing for others to read, probably my kids after I am long dead, or my fans also after I am long dead. And famous, hopefully.

Anyway, I'm not going to reread what I wrote but I'm pretty sure that this last paragraph makes me sound neurotic or psychotic or whatever mental disease it's called. But that's good, because this is me, outpouring and being creative. Probably also boring, or for some people, interesting. In any case, it's me, and I'll try to maintain this sort of journal for as long as I can.

Just one last confession, I will share these posts on my Facebook page. Who knows, maybe someone will pick it up and it goes viral, and yes, probably this will mean that my tone will take on the form of talking to someone. I don't care. I'm vain. And may my vanity be entertaining to you. There, I said it, I'm speaking to someone.

I think how this outpouring works is to just flow from one thought to the other. Might be even interesting for myself or someone else to look at it and deduce what kind of person I am from the way my thinking flows. Anyway, the next thought that I want to move on to is that I noticed how many times I used the word "probably" up till now. I haven't counted but I have a feeling it's more than the average article. And that probably...see what I did there, says something about who I am. Always possibilities and probabilities and rarely something conclusive. I say rarely because eventually I reach conclusions. I've even learned to reach them quickly when needed, but here it's not needed. Here I am outpouring and inconclusive. Also, it's because I don't want to force my conclusions on the reader. God make there be a reader and he/she likes this.

Next thought: Am I the only person who has this longing to be noticed and have their words celebrated even if just a little bit? Probably... probably I'm not. And you know what, screw probabilities, I know I'm not the only one. But the more interesting question here is Why, Why do I need to be noticed and have my words celebrated? I will not attempt now to understand why others seek the same, not because I don't care. I very much care and I think about these things all the time, but for now, I'll focus on me, why do I need it? I'll think of it and let you know next time...or not, it will depend on the creative flow.

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