Monday 8 December 2014

Sort of like a journal (4) - 8/Dec/2014

For today's post, I declare to you here upfront that I will be writing for an audience; unlike my previous posts when I was  also writing to an audience but trying not to.

I know for a fact that my previous posts weren't seen by many. Actually they were seen by very few. So if you are one of those few, then the previous paragraph are for you, and if you are reading these posts for the first time, then welcome, thank you for reading.

This time I am intentionally speaking to an audience although I will maintain my M.O of rambling and just following my thoughts, but this time I want to ramble about and think of a topic that is close to mu heart and I believe might be to many others out there.

Just to get it out of the way, I call it being an introvert, or rather, the reason behind what I feel is being an introvert but I think it's just about being different.
I'll tel you right now that I'm not going to give a deep analysis about the topic and I probably won't add much to what you already know about yourself and the world around you. I'm just going to share my feelings in hopes that if you are, like I was one day, unaware that there are others out there, you may find comfort in knowing that you were wrong.

I'm not sure where I should start. I'll just start with this: remember that Think Different ad by apple? I think it was in the nineties. Anyway, part of the narration of that ad says "The round pegs in the square holes", and I can't help but feel tired at times by how square the world around me is.

If you feel what I mean, you are probably different. Different than those other people surrounding you. You may not have been so different if you were to exist in another time or belong to another place, but you are here (wherever that is to you) and you are now and no one gets you. You could be the nerd who likes science, or the geek who loves book. You could be the artist with a dark streak who likes to draw crazy scary pictures but is still dead good at it. Or you could be the skinny kid who's bad at sports and likes to write poetry. You could be anyone and anything. As long as you are not COMMON. You don't fit a stereotype, or you simply just to DO what everyone else around you does. That's when you know that you are the round peg and they are all trying to shove you in that square hole.

My point here is that each and everyone of the people who suffer from this, whether reading these words or not, has learned or will learn how to adapt; how to show the world what it needs to see in you while trying not to give up too much on yourself and not forget who you really are along the way. But sometimes it just gets darn hard. And the squareness is too much.

That's something I felt lately and I thought I should ramble about it here. I will not form this as advice or deep thoughts. I just wanted to say it and I have. This is not the first time I have written about this, whether with ink on paper or in other posts on this blog. But it still helps to let it out and dreaming that someone else who is different reads it and realizes they are not that different after all. Or maybe it's just me hoping that when you or anyone else reads and feels, then I can cling on to the hope that I am not that different after all.

Wednesday 3 December 2014

Sort of like a journal (3) - 4/Dec/2014

I have typed and deleted three sentences. Why? Because just now I realized that the date on my last post was wrong and I changed it and I felt that I should mention this. Then I thought that it is not important or that it is not quite a strong start for this post. But then I remembered that these posts shouldn't be about thinking too much about the words but rather about the natural flow of it. So, here it is, the date on the last post was supposed to be 2nd December not 1st. Also, I hesitated in choosing the date for this post because you see, I have only slept a couple of hours last night and to me it feels as if it is still Wednesday 3rd December, while in fact it is the morning of the 4th.

I am now in Dubai for a meeting. I shall not elaborate more, because  don't feel this is the place to chronicle my life, however, it might be interesting, if I ever read this again, to remind myself of where I was. The other interesting thing is that I am typing this post on a bluetooth keyboard attached to my iPad that I am using for the first time; the keyboard that is not the iPad. It is interesting and kind of fun.

Now moving on. In my last post, which sort of feels like it was just last night, I was very pissed off. Now I am tired. A big part of it may be that I am physically tired of not having slept well for two nights and running around Dubai trying to cover as much ground as possible in as little time as possible. But that is not how I feel. I feel the drain mentally more than physically. And don't get me wrong, my life is going through some positive changes these days so I'm not complaining (and I'm not getting in to what those changes are either. Remember, not a chronicle). It's more like my mind has been racing to cover some urgent matters these past couple of weeks and I need to slow it down. This reminds me of what  mentioned last time about everyone believing they are geniuses who's minds are cramped with, well, genius. In case you haven't noticed, I am one of those people. That wouldn't make me any different than thousands of others, maybe millions, yet it remains for the world to determine who really posses something of worth within their minds,which in itself is a claim also probably made by myself along with everyone else. Just sayin'.

So, back to slowing down and feeling tired. I don't feel as angry as I was last time any more, but I do feel that I just don't wana give a F*** just for one or two days, nothing more. When I am in this state I usually feel serene, and I tend towards contemplation rather than trying to influence or fix things around me. If anything I probably enjoy life more, although I know this is not the regular me for I am usually hot tempered and trying to make everything better, which, again, is a claim most people make just before or after they describe themselves as perfectionists.

At this moment, I feel that the action of writing this post sort of contradicts my current desire for serenity although it does serve the purpose of contemplation. The reason i say this is because if the contemplation goes in the direction of looking into myself, I will get sick of it because either I will feel I'm trying to prove something to the reader which these posts are not about, or I will feel that I am repeating to myself what I already believe I know about myself which is sort of stupid an a waste of time. Or, I will be repeating to myself what I believe I already know about myself  for the purpose of reexamination, but that is not my idea of contemplation. At least not contemplation when my mind needs a little rest.

Between that last period (by period I mean that last dot and the end of the line above this one) and the first word of this sentence, a few seconds have passed as I was thinking of what to write next. I write this now, because this is exactly what is flowing through my mind and I am trying to stay true to my purpose.

One other thing. That remark I made between brackets in the above paragraph sounded condescending. I wrote it anyway to maintain the flow and here I am admitting it, also, to maintain the flow. And now, I also think I might have written it so that someone might read it and think "Oh, that's a great writer who can catch himself at such moments and have the courage to admit it!"

See what contemplation can do to you? I think this is enough contemplation for one day.




Tuesday 2 December 2014

Sort of like a journal (2) - 2/Dec/2014

So much for keeping a journal!
I totally forgot about it yesterday, but here I am now, so I hope this still qualifies as me being consistent.
Now, let's see, what do I feel like writing about. I have many, sometimes too many, thoughts rushing around in my head. I bet everyone says that about themselves: "I have too many thoughts at any given moment. Oh my God, I'm a genius and my head can't hold all this power and it's pouring our of my ears!". Well, you probably guessed it, what I will talk about; I'm pissed off. Of what? Not sure, or rather, I do have some ideas, like being pissed of at everyone who thinks they are geniuses when they are assholes or more appropriately, idiots. In any case... I just noticed that I use this phrase a lot, but screw it, I'll continue to use it. In any case, let's just use today's entry to blow off some steam.

I won't intentionally start listing all the things that irritate me. What I will do is start talking about the first thing that comes to mind and let the anger flow from there.

I am, right now, fighting the urge to lash out at you, the person who is reading this, since in this instant you are a representative of the world outside of myself, and I'm basically pissed off at everything and anyone who is not me. And yes, I stopped hating myself years ago, now I mainly direct my anger outwards. Does this mean I'm an egomaniac? I'm not sure I know what that means or if it's the right word to use, but I'm sure you are smart enough to know what I mean, you're probably even one of those geniuses with all the thoughts coming out of your...ears. Just teasing you! Anyway, I do have my moments of doubting myself or hating myself for something I did, but I learned a while ago that hating myself won't do me any good; learning my lesson and admitting my mistake is much healthier and pragmatic. Hating the world? Still won't do any good, but since I can't get the world to be as pragmatic as I am and admit their mistakes and learn their lessons then I guess the world deserves to be hated.

Ok, let me tell you this, typing rapidly and banging the keys is actually helping a little: just letting you know in case you want to try it.You probably are thinking what a genius you are and how the world is missing out when you refrain from writing and sharing your soul with the world. So by all means , go ahead and bang at the keyboard.

I still feel I want to add more, write more, but the guy who's coming to fit my kitchen with cupboards (yes I moved into a flat with no kitchen cupboards and no sink for that matter) will be knocking at the door any minute, so I have to go and I pray to God he doesn't piss me off too.

Turns out he's actually a pretty nice guy, no pissing off took place during the making of this kitchen...yet.

I really don't know what I should be writing about. Honestly, I do have a few things I want to mention but I don't think should, so overall, I feel restrained and I don't think this is right or conducive to creative flow. So, I think I'll just wrap this one up. I am not happy of what I wrote, at least that's what I feel, I'm not going to reread and check so you can decide on my behalf.

I do feel that if someone has been reading this post they either stopped reading a while ago, which makes this sentences a moot point, or, that someone, YOU, in this case, have reached this far and so you deserve that I thank you and hope that my ramblings might have meant something to you.

To that end. I will be signing off
(cut to black and cue static)