Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Sort of like a journal (3) - 4/Dec/2014

I have typed and deleted three sentences. Why? Because just now I realized that the date on my last post was wrong and I changed it and I felt that I should mention this. Then I thought that it is not important or that it is not quite a strong start for this post. But then I remembered that these posts shouldn't be about thinking too much about the words but rather about the natural flow of it. So, here it is, the date on the last post was supposed to be 2nd December not 1st. Also, I hesitated in choosing the date for this post because you see, I have only slept a couple of hours last night and to me it feels as if it is still Wednesday 3rd December, while in fact it is the morning of the 4th.

I am now in Dubai for a meeting. I shall not elaborate more, because  don't feel this is the place to chronicle my life, however, it might be interesting, if I ever read this again, to remind myself of where I was. The other interesting thing is that I am typing this post on a bluetooth keyboard attached to my iPad that I am using for the first time; the keyboard that is not the iPad. It is interesting and kind of fun.

Now moving on. In my last post, which sort of feels like it was just last night, I was very pissed off. Now I am tired. A big part of it may be that I am physically tired of not having slept well for two nights and running around Dubai trying to cover as much ground as possible in as little time as possible. But that is not how I feel. I feel the drain mentally more than physically. And don't get me wrong, my life is going through some positive changes these days so I'm not complaining (and I'm not getting in to what those changes are either. Remember, not a chronicle). It's more like my mind has been racing to cover some urgent matters these past couple of weeks and I need to slow it down. This reminds me of what  mentioned last time about everyone believing they are geniuses who's minds are cramped with, well, genius. In case you haven't noticed, I am one of those people. That wouldn't make me any different than thousands of others, maybe millions, yet it remains for the world to determine who really posses something of worth within their minds,which in itself is a claim also probably made by myself along with everyone else. Just sayin'.

So, back to slowing down and feeling tired. I don't feel as angry as I was last time any more, but I do feel that I just don't wana give a F*** just for one or two days, nothing more. When I am in this state I usually feel serene, and I tend towards contemplation rather than trying to influence or fix things around me. If anything I probably enjoy life more, although I know this is not the regular me for I am usually hot tempered and trying to make everything better, which, again, is a claim most people make just before or after they describe themselves as perfectionists.

At this moment, I feel that the action of writing this post sort of contradicts my current desire for serenity although it does serve the purpose of contemplation. The reason i say this is because if the contemplation goes in the direction of looking into myself, I will get sick of it because either I will feel I'm trying to prove something to the reader which these posts are not about, or I will feel that I am repeating to myself what I already believe I know about myself which is sort of stupid an a waste of time. Or, I will be repeating to myself what I believe I already know about myself  for the purpose of reexamination, but that is not my idea of contemplation. At least not contemplation when my mind needs a little rest.

Between that last period (by period I mean that last dot and the end of the line above this one) and the first word of this sentence, a few seconds have passed as I was thinking of what to write next. I write this now, because this is exactly what is flowing through my mind and I am trying to stay true to my purpose.

One other thing. That remark I made between brackets in the above paragraph sounded condescending. I wrote it anyway to maintain the flow and here I am admitting it, also, to maintain the flow. And now, I also think I might have written it so that someone might read it and think "Oh, that's a great writer who can catch himself at such moments and have the courage to admit it!"

See what contemplation can do to you? I think this is enough contemplation for one day.

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